my secret get away…

and its 2.30am.

i feel empty. filled with memories.

i used to really look forward to saturdays coz i’d normally stay over his place.

but right now, im sitting here infront of my tiny laptop. typing this.

i miss life with him. things we’d used to do.

its hard. trying to move on with life after all that has happened.

but maybe this is the best for the both of us. he would no longer neeed to stress about anything related to me. hes free to go. do whatever he’d like. and i wouldnt need to keep pretending im okay when im not. i wouldnt need to smile even when my heart is aching.

when we first got together..
me: what is this? what are we?

him: errr…50-50

Me: whats 50-50?

him: 50-50 la. clapping with one hand makes no sound what. if im the only one who wants also no use right.? ………… so are you willing to clap with me ?

me: *smiles*

its true.. clapping with one hand makes no sound. =(

that i cant be just friends with you? if i could, i wouldnt need to walk away. if i could i would have stood around to see things falling apart and be okay with it.

i cant. i cant be just ur friend. not right now for the least..

how come holding on to nothing hurts even more?

all these while i thought i have prepared myself mentally and emotionally for this day. this day came and went.

and today.. 1st official day i walk down this lonely rd called reality alone. where fairy tales dont happen and he will never be mine.

i’ve walked away. everything has ended. but why is my heart so heavy? why is holding on to nothing so hurtful?

maybe coz im still very much in love with him..

but i guess im just not ready for him to walk out on me again and maybe this time tell me,” im sorry ive found someone else and we will be nothing but friends.” i guess i cant put myself to go thru that..

i miss him. i truly deeply madly do.

im no longer me.

i can no longer smile the same smile i smile when hes around.

i can no longer say his name and not tear

im not okay.

but im still trying…

today. i bid our complicated relationship farewell. it took me alot of courage.strength to pen down those words ..

i didnt have enough courage to say it face to face so i made him a card and 3 jars..

i have been contemplating for awhile now about this. ive been crying everyday for the past week going to work with swollen eyes.. my heart is so not willing to let go. my heart is so heavy. but i know i should coz we wouldnt have a happy ending. he still wont be able to love me and our rship is starting to slowly change to something i cant accept.

i know some mght say.. how about ur post …http://feebzdarlin.wordpress.com/2009/10/28/the-road-less-taken/

where u said u’d stand by him no matter what?

i have not broke my promise. i’ll still be there.. maybe just not physically.. maybe just not now..

my heart cant afford for us to be just friends.. at least not right now.. at least not yet..

i will really miss him.. his laughther.. his touch.. his kisses..

i’ll never forget everything we have gone thru and how much we have shared. i’ll always love you..even from afar..

goodbye my love.goodbye my dear.. goodbye my Personal Heater. goodbye..

i cant say this to you directly so i guess i’ve just got to say it here

Happy 2nd month to “us”.

i know things are different now..we are not what we used to be.but it does not mean i couldnt wish things were different.

this is to our happy times. our blissful moments. our snapshots of laughter.our imperfect relationship.

you will always be a big part of me. no matter where i am. no matter how much our relationship has changed.

one thing wont change for sure..the fact that i love you. eventho many a times i try not to show it.

someday we may be under a different sky, leading different lives separately, but i will never forget about us. how we met.how we got together.how we ended. how we started to understand one another.

i love you NIck.
“nothing’ gonna change my love for you”

whenever you told me how you used to treat ur exs, at times im so envious of them as they had someone who loved and care for them so much he gave them the world yet they do not know how to appreciate..

while im here.. standing.. wishing i was only half as lucky as they are ..to be able to be loved by you.

sometimes life is that unfair.. and sometimes we’ve just got to accept that its easy to love someone but its hard to find someone to love you back.

=)

its exactly a month since everything ended officially. how time flies. so much has happened within this one month..

flash back..

a month ago, we were in his car.. saying our “final goodbyes”

a month ago,i had my belly pierced.

a month ago,i had tones of mixed emotions

a month ago,i realised that i’m in love with him

….

present..

we are complicated

my belly still hurts but its healing

im much clearer of how i should walk this road

my feelings has grown stronger.im very much in love with him for all the wrong and right reasons..

LOVE.. either kills you, or make you stronger..

in my case its killing me softly but making me realise sometimes i’ve got to learn to be strong coz theres no other way to it right now.

i miss how everything was 2 weeks ago..where everything felt peachy, we were happy and you made me feel special.one of the happiest 10 days in a loooooooooong time… i neeed a time machine!!